Land of the Dead: Road to Fiddler's Green [Xbox]

For once, we thank the movie business' unpredictable powers that be. If Universal had released George Romero's excellent Land of the Dead to theatres this month, as originally planned, the film's presence might have caused more than a few fans to grab this monstrosity of a game. That would be bad. We've seen terrible movie licenses recently -- Catwoman, Fight Club -- but Land of the Dead is the worst of the bunch. It's a throwback shooter that would look lame on the original PlayStation, with gameplay bad enough to make players feel like they've joined the undead.

If it's not obvious that Brainbox Games doesn't realize we're in 2005, just look at the story. We're forced to live through the first hours of the dead epidemic, listening to news reporters come to terms with the walking dead. Memo to Brainbox: that was three movies ago. Eventually the game does get down to current affairs as it leads players to Fiddler's Green, the high-rise safehouse seen in the film.

Since this is a prequel of sorts, few of the film's characters appear. Players control Jack, an aging hayseed who can't even remember where he put his keys. That's the only explanation for an opening level that sends players hunting through Jack's farmhouse seeking items as if they've never been there before. As dumb as that is, it's a good way to prepare for the inane tasks that follow.

Jack quickly finds some guns and weapons like shovels and baseball bats. After that, players can either fight the zombies (with limited ammo) or run. Sometimes, running isn't an option and all the undead will have to fall. Forget about learning tactics more developed than a circle strafe, however. There's nothing in Land of the Dead to demand more. Sometimes, the AI will even eliminate the need for tactics; stand in the right area and the zombies might stop altogether, allowing Jack to pick them off with ease.

Supposedly, there's a location-specific hit system. And indeed, heads explode and limbs can be blown off. A good ammo-conserving tactic should be blowing off legs, then finishing the crawler with a melee weapon. But the location system is terribly broken. We've seen arms explode after head shots (point-blank) while several shots in the shin will fail to topple a walker, only to eventually kill them altogether. Apparently nothing is certain in this land of the dead. Not even physics.

Land of the Dead doesn't even follow through on the film's most basic rule: a zombie bite is deadly. Onscreen, eight hours after teeth break flesh, the bitten human is a walking corpse. Here, after a bite or two just pop one of the many bottles of pills lying about and all's well. Of course we can't pick up the bottles to carry with -- that would unbalance the game here to sideways.

To power all this miserably thin action, Land of the Dead relies on the Unreal engine. It proves that lazy, uninspired art direction and level design can squander even the best technology. Check out that maze of hay bales (which serves what purpose exactly?) made from hundreds of the same bale. See the character models, which shamble in the most unconvincing way, and in the same skins to boot. Finally, the sewer level will stand as a model of terrible design. Check out the squared off tunnels with one texture for walls, one for floor, and a third for water.

As bad as the graphics are, prepare to be stunned into silence by the sound. The music, which largely features the same three notes over and over and over again, will induce so much cringing, your spine will look like a sentence scrawled in Arabic.

If the broken hit detection sounds fun in the solo game, it's even better in the multiplayer deathmatches. Finally, we've found the solution for cheating: broken gameplay. The co-op, in which players band together against waves of advancing corpses, is very slightly better, if only because the promise of other players means you won't suffer alone.

Land of the Dead is a mess of a game. It's not even a game, more like a slow, rotting death. No matter how great your love for George Romero, no matter how overpowering your curiosity, there is no reason to look twice at Land of the Dead. Do not walk away. Run.