IGN AU's Ten Commandments of Ninja Gaiden II

What is it with Team Ninja and pendulous bosoms? What is it with Team Ninja and dressing all their female characters in borderline S&M outfits? Not that we're against this in principle – we're as big a fan of breasts and revealing outfits as the next guys, but when the women look as feral as this… what's the opposite of titillating? Actually, give me a sec. I'm just going to do a search for an antonym for the word. Searching… okay, the results are in – 'disenchanting and repulsive'. That's about right. Honestly, breasts don't need to be this big. It's not sexy, and when your character modelling is a bit on the lukewarm side (the skin tones in particular just aren't right) to begin with, it all gets a bit comical, and rather off-putting.

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The ninja – apparently – is an agent of destiny, unable to stop and smell the roses, or perhaps more aptly, to wander off into that meadow over there to smell the roses. Nope, he has one path from which he cannot deviate. Any door that doesn't pertain to that path cannot be opened by the ninja, and even when a fork in the road seems to appear, it is never a legitimate choice, with the true path on one hand and – usually – a dead end on the other, with a chesty reward. And no, we're not talking about boobs.

The ninja, then, rides a raft of death as it is carried by the mighty waters of a swiftly flowing river – also of death - with nary a tributary to be seen. Try as he might, there is no way to steer his way to the water's edge, to step off the raft and explore the land by the river. No, his lot is to follow the blinkered, singular path of the river. Some enjoy the journey, others yearn for choice.

Walking on water? That's pretty special. Running on water and battling foes while you're doing it? That's got to be one of the coolest perks of being a ninja. It's largely effortless too – just rhythmically tap A to get up above the water and press in a direction and off you go. There are few things as cool as stylishly cutting down an enemy as you run past. Physics be damned!

Oh, and I know the whole running on water thing pretty much destroys my 'trapped on a raft' analogy from before, but whatever. If you've got a problem with it, go read something else.

Seriously, who's cloning these guys? They're dropping down from the ceiling, they're coming in waves from stage left, they're emerging from pot plants, they're appearing in puffs of foe… it never ends! Are these guys actually Temuera Morrisons under all that cloth? Would they say 'fish and chips' as 'fesh ind cheps'? We don't know, but if the bad guys can mobilise this many enemies, maybe they should just throw them all at you at once? You know, instead of in waves and section by section?

Then again, that's only logical so maybe it's a transport issue or something. Maybe they've got stacks of manpower but only a couple of buses to ferry their army of evil beasties to the scene of the battle.

Oh, and this commandment has a lesser known sibling: Thy Enemies Shalt Often Respawn if Thou Dost Leave an Area then Return.

So. Ninjas eh? Correct me if I'm wrong, but I was under the impression that ninja stars, aka shuriken, are one of the more deadly ingredients in the ninja's killing stew. I mean, send one of those razor sharp blades of death whistling through the woods, embedding itself in the neck of a foe and – they're dead right? Uh uh. In this game, shuriken are about as deadly as mosquitos. And not those nasty malaria-bearing mosquitos either; the type that are mildly irritating and might make you slap your own neck, but won't do any real harm. It really is comical watching Ryu expertly flinging these chunks of steel in lightning-fast bursts, with all the impact of clubbing a baby seal by blowing on it. Still, it does buy him nigh on a fraction of a second. Snigger.

In all seriousness, you can empty hundreds of these suckers into a single enemy and he'll still be jitterbugging 'til dawn. Mind you, these guys can fight an arm down, so I guess they're pretty tough. It would also be remiss of us to mention that within about an hour you've upgraded from shuriken to bow and arrow so it's not that big a deal. But still, for such an iconic weapon, the shuriken deserves a little more respect.

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