The Ladies of Leisure Suit Larry: October 2004

I arrive at 5:00 PM at Scruemall Hall, an upper class dormitory on Walnut Log Community College's main campus. The floors are littered with random debris: empty beer cans, half-eaten sandwiches and used prophylactics. A young gentleman, perhaps under the influence of alcohol, charges past me, spilling fruit punch upon my lace cravat. Rest assured loyal audience, after much blotting and a soak in bleach-free detergent the cravat is now mercifully stain-free.

I knock on Luba's room to no avail, but finding the door unlocked I cautiously enter. I find Ms. Licious sound asleep, quite nude but for the exception of a pair of ill-fitting men briefs. I gently tap her on the shoulder. She turns and murmurs. I begin to shake her violently. Suddenly she shoots awake. Flinging me aside, she hurries to the other side of the room and promptly vomits in the closet.

Special note from the editor: During the course of the interview, Ms. Licious peppered her responses with various "colorful" words and phrases which some of our readers may find objectionable. I have replaced the offending words with more appropriate expressions.

Vital Stats

Born: September 25, 1983 Hometown: Pithole City, Pennsylvania Major: Animal Husbandry Height: 5' 4'' Weight: 127 lbs Measurements: 42-21-37 Turn-ons: blow job shots, gravity bongs, Charlie Daniels Turn-offs: seeds and stems, AA, traffic cops Hobbies: cloud watching, alcohol poisoning Favorite Movie: House Party 2: The Pajama Jam Favorite Television Show: Scarecrow and Mrs. King Favorite Song: "Rainbow in the Rose" by Winger Role Model: Jasmin St. Claire Favorite Food: pinkelwurst Marital Status: single

Garland Merriweather: Ms. Licious, are you all right?

Luba Licious: Who are you? Did we last night?

Garland Merriweather: No, no, no. I am Garland Merriweather. I am here to conduct the interview.

Luba Licious: That was today?

Garland Merriweather: Yes, it was. If you would like we could conduct this at a later date.

Luba Licious: No, man. Let's do this. Hold on a sec… I gotta do a few whippets to wake up here.

Garland Merriweather: Oh, look at that. Do you have a cappuccino machine? I say there! Are you aware of how that affects your brain?

Luba Licious: Right on.

Garland Merriweather: Well then… let's begin.

Luba Licious: Wait… what was the question?

Garland Merriweather: I haven't asked any questions yet.

Luba Licious: Far out.

Garland Merriweather: So… recently you posed for Playboy magazine. What was that experience like?

Luba Licious: Oh yeah! It was really cool. We were all like drinkin' red wine and everybody's gettin' real giggly. I'm completely naked, right? And I look down and he's got a wicked . So I ease over and unzip his pants. Then I gave him a total . I let the lighting guy watch.

Garland Merriweather: Well… that was certainly… er- frank.

Luba Licious: Yeah. That was awesome.

Garland Merriweather: Uh… let's see here… It says here you that you were on the gymnastics team in high school. Dare I ask, any interesting experiences?

Luba Licious: Oh yeah. We were at the state gymnastics meet in Philly and I snuck in on the Pithole City Boy's Gymnastics team in the locker room. So I'm in the shower with this guy and I'm holding his and this other guy he starts ing me from behind. Then the coach walks in and he's like totally ing my . Then-

Garland Merriweather: Yes, yes that's quite enough. On to lighter subjects, it says here that you volunteer part-time at a retirement home.

Luba Licious: Oh yeah! So like one time I <1982 Dodge 1 Ton> then we and finally I .

Garland Merriweather: …

Luba Licious: Are you okay, man?

(At this point, I vomited in the closet and quite humiliated, excused myself from the room.)

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