Screw Love, Play Sims Online

Apparently not enough of you are getting hopelessly addicted to The Sims Online. Valentine's Day is just around the corner and is apparently a threat to Electronic Arts. If you're not playing The Sims Online on Valentine's Day, then you're not doing what you're supposed to be doing. Oh, you better not be planning on going out or having some kind of fun. Just sit your ass back down and turn on that computer, boy.

As odd as this press release might be, you can't blame EA for trying:

"Love is in the game as The Sims Online will be the hottest place to be this Valentine's Day!"

And I always thought the hottest place to be was between someone else's thighs. What? There's nothing wrong with innocently positioning your lower torso or head down between the thighs of the opposite sex and praying together as you watch Eight is Enough and complete your Bible studies. What did you think I meant, pervert?

"Rub a dub dub in the TSO hot tub!
Heat up while you a cool off in the Niagara Love Tub available this Valentine's Day. Like the tumultuous falls of the famous honeymoon spot, this heart-shaped hot tub brings out the unbridled passion of Sim couples everywhere."

Sounds great! Remember, you're still playing the computer. There is hopefully no real wetness or moisture involved. Answer me this: Why do people have to say "rub a dub." That sounds like something horrible I'd rather not rub.

"In the mood for love!
To set the perfect romantic mood, try a little candlelight with the Torchemada Candelabra or a flicker of firelight with the Hawaiian Fantasy Tiki Torches. The Zimantz Component Hi-Fi stereo, Wurl 'N' Hurl retro jukebox, or a Bachmeier grand piano are available to play favorite love ballads for your Sim Sweetheart."

Sitting around talking to a trucker named Bob John, also known as LittleAngel_18_69... Love is so totally in the air.

"Coffee, Tea or...?
Whether it's a sumptuous dinner or decadent finger food, sexy sustenance of some sort is always important for a Valentines Day soiree. The Elegant Chef Buffet Table provides eye-pleasing edibles and for pork rind lovers, The Super Snax Vending Machine offers a more casual fare. The Hugh Martin Beverage Bar provides limitless libations to loosen up the evening."

I don't even know what's going on anymore. I think these are all features of some wacky kind.

"Clothing optional!
If you are looking to dress to impress, any number of alluring options are available in The Sims Online. Take a peak at the Uptown, Downtown Costume Collection for risqué lingerie or Wedding Fashions by Pandora to snap up the perfect tuxedo or formal party frock."

And there's a whole bunch of other stuff you can do, but I think you get the picture. It all boils down to this... Is your wife/girlfriend not forcing you to do something on Valentine's Day and are you also too good to get stoned drunk and sleep at the strip club like the rest of us lonely hearts? Play The Sims Online! It's for loveless losers of the 21st century. Dan's playing right now!

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