Strike Force Bowling [GC]

Why does the cleverly named "Pro 9" -- a computer controlled skeleton -- perform the same animation routines as the young Asian schoolgirl capable of hurling a 20 pound pirate ball at 800 miles per hour? More importantly, what is the difference between a ball composed of mud and magma and one that is three pieces of plastic? I don't know and Strike Force Bowling sure as all hell doesn't know.

With all clouds (even bowling ones) there is a silver lining. The glorious ray of shining beauty buried deep within the puffy edges of this monstrous catastrophe is a startling fact -- the fact that you never, ever have to play it, ever. And good is this wondrous truth rainbow, for it spares gamers from enduring an aged donkey's attempt at mimicking Brunswick, only with all that "super neat Outlaw Golf wackiness" that does so terribly well for so many other titles. Strike Force is a game that boasts the most simplistic of modes, a smattering of elevator music that could put a sugar addled toddler into an everlasting coma, and an alien with an affinity for bowling in space stations.

Disaster... You are a catastrophe, Strike Force. When a PSOne game trounces this next-generation title's position, spin, throw, and inconsequential, unexciting pin action, you know there are problems. The dated Brunswick Circuit Pro Bowling was everything this game is, only without the always essential old western robot.

It's unfathomable how a game can be made and another of any type can come afterward without even attempting to offer the most fundamental shreds of the previous' grace. At least try and copy the good of those bowling titles of yesteryear and at least put some effort into smearing out the bad, even if it means spending less time and money on modeling the fabulous alien bowler replete with half-assed glimmer-jacket.

Where's the create-a-player mode? Why doesn't anyone speak? Where are the nifty cutscenes? Where are the cheering crowds and background activities? Where is the decent music (the kind pilfered from golf surplus stores does not qualify)? Where are the announcers? Where is the online multiplayer, the quirky Virtua Tennis inspired mini-games, the in-depth training, the historical facts...the fun? I can't see any of it, but official documentation leads us to believe Strike Force is every bowler's dream. It states:

"Unsurpassed realism with real-time ball and pin physics, taking into consideration ball weight, surface material and lane friction, among other elements."

IGN rebuttal: That's all kinds of no. Brunswick took into consideration the accumulation and dissipation of freaking oil on the lane, which altered friction. That was realistic. Though Strike Force does this, too, at points during Strike Force a thrown ball might first appear to be flying just outside lane borders; then, with a cinematic camera switch, it will miraculous reposition itself. It's as if each cut of the camera initiates a new predefined, pre-calculated roll.

"Six unique and challenging modes of play, such as Skins Mode, Golf Mode, Challenge Mode, Practice Mode, Open Play and the prestigious Tournament Play."

IGN rebuttal: Ah hell no dawg... How is practice mode challenging? It lets players attempt to throw endless strikes against standardized sets! Challenge is the only mode of any real interest, as it sets up a variety of pins in progressing difficulty and tasks gamers with toppling them in single rolls. Skins mode is as pointless as paying attention during mandatory office meetings, and prestigious tournament play, in addition to being exceedingly boring, introduces masterful computer opponents like Pro 9, Pro 2 and the infamous Pro 23. If you do manage to beat Pro 2 and find yourself squaring off against Pro 23 in the finals, you'll still be on the same map that was originally chosen. It's insanity.

"0ver eight distinct realistic and fantasy lane environments, including Standard Lane, Pirate Ship Bowl, Tropical Island Bowl, , Egyptian Bowl,, Medieval Bowl, and the Lunar Bowl. Hidden game bonuses, such as Big head mode and secret night lanes."

IGN rebuttal: This statement is acceptable, if only because it never claims any of these environments are any good.

"Eight, high-polygon characters to choose from complete with reaction animations and customizable characteristics and bowling styles."

IGN rebuttal: High polygon, huh? Exactly what number constitutes "high?" Six? Six hundred? It doesn't matter if each of these characters were made of a billion polys, they still don't look good. Reaction animations are also way out of whack, stiff, and duplicated between vastly different bowlers.

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